Dah cakap dari awal, puan kejam lagi keji.

Tahu?

Rasa sliced gila babas. Rasa macam daging, ikan, sayur kena slice. 

Rasa betrayed. Entah. Mungkin bukan. Something else yang similar, perhaps.

Rasa macam all these whiles sikit punya kamceng ni semua pasal encik nak tebus rasa bersalah ke? Sebab tu? 

Rasa macam penat. Penat sebab punyalah kaw-kaw puan simbah hati dengan clorox bagi samak all those memories while we were younger. Punyalah kaw-kaw sental ingatan bagi hilang semua benda yang encik cakap time encik tengah tak betul. Benda yang puan sendiri rasa encik tak ingat dan tak perlulah encik ingat. Punyalah kaw-kaw puan sumbat hati ni dengan Quran campur rock campur grunge campur punk time tengah ayan just to let go of my feelings.

Rasa macam encik yang kejam dulu in the first place. No, actually encik ego. Encik ada wall yang sangat tinggi dan kebal. This is not a jiwang karat novel. You ain’t the hero and I ain’t the heroine. Ingat kalau puan tahu dengan cara yang unexpected dan surprising macam tu, puan nak mengalirkan air mata terharu ke? Nope. This ain’t a jiwang karat novel. I’m hurt. I feel sakit hati. All my efforts were for what? 

I lived everyday for that eleven months thinking we’re nothing but ashes.

I live now, thinking everyday that we’re nothing but best friends. No, I don’t want more from you - don’t get me wrong. I live everyday dengan rasa, good, hari ni aku berjaya padam sikit lagi, sikit lagi whatever feelings I have for him.

And efforts tu untuk apa?

For somebody who loves me back when I don’t know it?

For somebody who builds walls and guards his feelings like an android?

For somebody who knows I work damn hard with that crazy Law course so I can get a scholarship and go damn far away to forget him, and still act like he knows nothing?

You won’t understand me. And I won’t understand you, too. 

But I can’t undo this sakit hati, and your silence just completes the package.

You are unfeeling because what they do to you two years ago.

But I am evil because what you did to me three years ago.

And I’m not sorry I said what I’m not supposed to say.

Suddenly I feel deserving to be kejam lagi keji.

Keeping a secret and respecting the secrets of others, as opposed to prying into them, is a virtue related to self-discipline and sensitivity. Explain what you must, but never give away all of your secrets. Those who freely publicize the secrets of their hearts drag themselves and their nation toward an inevitable downfall.

Explain what you must, but never give away all of your secrets. Those who freely publicize the secrets of their hearts drag themselves and their nation toward an inevitable downfall.

-Fethullah Gullen-

Aku rasa macam serial heartbreaker.

Betul. Tak tipu. Rasa macam bersalah gila. Rasa macam tak guna. Rasa macam… macam… 

I’m not anybody, not anyone, but still.

Things I did before I September 2010, they keep on haunting me even long after I’ve walked away.

Sorry; it can’t change things, sorry can’t undo the hurt I’ve caused.

Just because I was heartbroken didn’t give me the license to go around breaking hearts in turn. 

Sorry; it won’t make me a better person.

Just because I’ve changed doesn’t mean they can let go. 

Sorry; it won’t atone what I’ve done. 

:’(

A penny for your thoughts, oh no, I’d buy them for a dollar. Oh what I’d do just to stop us suffer.

Lapanglah, hati.

Lapanglah, hati. Tenanglah bagai air di kali. 

Terasa sebak gadis berhijab itu, tatkala wanita berwajah redup itu memegang dadanya dan menggosok-gosok menyenangkan. Mendoakan agar gadis itu berhati tenang. Lapang. Redha.

Yamhullahu ma yasha’, dan Allah hapuskan belenggu kalbumu.

Lapanglah, hati. Tenanglah bagai air di kali. 

Hikmah walangmu, hikmah mata berkacamu, hikmah payahmu dan jerihmu, bukankah aturan Allah itu tak pernah melebihi apa yang mampu ditanggung? 

Kerana jalan inilah, kau jauh. Jauh dari tersimpang dan tersesat dan tiada arah kembali. Kau pernah hampir, selangkah kurang dari simpang. Kau hampir, dan jalan inilah yang menarikmu kembali dari terus menapak di garisan sempadan. 

Kerana jalan inilah, kau dekat. Dekat dengan mushaf itu. Mushaf yang kau sayang dan kau tinggal dan kau sayang kembali dan kau tinggal kembali, dan di penghujung permainanmu kau putuskan, hatimu mati tanpanya. Kau putuskan kau sayang dan kau mahu sayang dan kau mahu terus dan makin.

Kerana jalan ini, kau membesar. Kau belajar. Kau lain. Kau berbeza. Kau kuat.

Kau tua dengan pengalaman, bila teman-temanmu masih merangkak belum mampu berjalan. 

Lapanglah, hati. Tenanglah bagai air di kali. 

Ini, nukilan dari Tuhanmu. Khas dari Penciptamu, Pemilikmu. Ditinta di Lauh Mahfuz dan dititipkan dalam rohmu, dan lupakah ikrar redha taat setiamu dulu?

Lahirmu sebagai hamba. Lahirmu sebagai khalifah. Lahirmu punya liku dan lara, teranyam bersama senyum dan tawa. Kau redha lahirmu, takdirmu berkuasakan ketentuanNya.

Di Lauh Mahfuz. Kitabim Maknun. Kitabim Mubin. Bukankah kau redha, saat kau masih di sana?

Maka lapanglah, hati. Tenanglah bagai air di kali. 

Reality is always bitter, but they never know.

Bila kawan-kawan bertanya, cuti ni kau buat apa?, aku akan jawab dengan jawapan standard, aku jadi bibik, supir, chef. Diorang tanya lagi, kau masak apa? Aku dengan selambanya senaraikan je la apa yang aku tahu masak, apa yang aku berjaya masak, apa yang aku plan nak masak. 

Diorang komen, mak aih, kau semangat nak kawen ke apa ni?

Kalau sekali dua orang komen macam tu, bolehlah aku gelak-gelak. Bila dah masuk belas kali, jadi annoying. Aku cakap, perlu ke pasal tu? Aku masak sebab aku tak nak makan benda sama hari-hari, sebab aku boring, sebab bila mak aku balik kerja, adik aku balik sekolah, ada something bawah tudung saji. Tak payah beli, tak payah diorang masak. Aku ada, aku boleh masakkan, boleh bagi diorang happy dan kenyang. 

Dan for some reason, always akan ada joke pasal marriage and whatsoever, aimed kat manusia ni. 

Aku tak suka dengar joke macam tu, serius. Aku tak nak la sentuh bab kita ni muda hingusan tak matang lagi, bab iman amal takwa, bab toleransi, bab give-and-take, bab responsibility segala bagai. Yang tu nanti aku cover bila-bila aku rasa macam nak buat discussion pasal tu. 

Sekarang, bagi aku cakap reason yang paling utama kenapa I hate such jokes and suggestion about marriages: I don’t think it will happen to me.

Sebab dia senang je.

Orang boleh suka aku, boleh tolerate aku, sebab diorang cuma tengok the bright side of me. Once diorang tengok the tak-berapa-bright side of me, agak-agak the adoration, the toleration, the respect still akan ada ke?

Aika intelligent. Aika boleh bercakap in public sesedap rasa. Aika suka senyum. Aika terer English. Aika ada outlook yang praiseworthy. Aika itu, Aika ini. 

Tapi orang tahu tak, Aika depressed? Aika ada lifelong battle dengan negativity. Aika senyum sebab Aika cuba jadi positif seboleh mungkin, cuba jadi likeable seboleh mungkin, cuba sedekah seboleh mungkin. Aika cries when she’s alone because she can’t stand her own self. Aika pemarah, Aika hot-tempered tahap petala ketujuh darab enam belas kuasa sembilan puluh lima. 

Dan Aika tak selalu hyper, tak selalu sihat.

Dan orang tak pernah tengok the side of Aika yang battle dengan aspek ni. 

Orang tak pernah tengok Aika lifeless, tak ada energy sebab tahan sakit. Orang tak pernah tengok Aika tak boleh lelap sampai pukul 4-5 pagi just because she’s dealing with what other people don’t have to deal with. Orang tak pernah tengok Aika menggeletar sampai kena inject painkiller. Bukan telan painkiller lagi dah. Orang tak pernah tengok Aika melutut dalam toilet tahan sakit helpless sorang-sorang. Orang tak pernah tengok Aika jawab soalan exam sambil air mata jatuh sampai kertas jawapan habis basah sebab Aika kena tahan, tahan, tahan sampai exam habis. Dan orang tak pernah tengok Aika, the so-called lemah-lembut Aika, baling barang hempas pintu kurang ajar bila Aika tak sihat. Orang tak pernah tahu Aika sampai pergi bersujud berdoa depan Kaabah as a last resort sebab tak tau nak buat macam mana dah nak bagi okay. 

Orang tengok Aika normal, happy-go-lucky, sebab orang tak kenal Aika.

Orang tak faham, sebab Aika tight-lipped nak explain. 

Orang tak faham, sebab Aika tak boleh explain.

Orang tak faham, sebab orang tak akan percaya.

Orang tak faham, sebab contrary gila. Minah tu gila nak masuk martial arts banyak-banyak la travel la apa la, sekali macam ni? Liar. 

Dan orang tengok Aika sebagai seorang yang awesome, konon-kononnya, sebab orang tak pernah tahu Aika from both sides.

Dan who can stand Aika 24 jam macam tu?

Dan who can stand Aika hari-hari, for the rest of their lives macam tu?

Would I be someone loveable only on the days that I’m well, bright and hyper, dan jadi someone yang tak boleh nak tolerate on the days I’m miserable?

Orang boleh cakap macam-macam benda positif bagi motivation, sebab Aika jarakkan diri Aika dengan diorang. Diorang hidup dengan Aika yang nakal, hyper, gila-gila, tapi diorang tak pernah hidup dengan Aika yang menyampahkan.

So in short, I’m not someone yang people would be alright being with 24/7.

I’m not someone that normal people would want to marry someday. Not now, not later. 

Jadi tolong jangan usik Aika dengan jokes macam tu, sebab Aika hates it, sebab Aika knows better she’s better off alone in the end. 

Even if her heart would hurt someday. Because the one who might love her might not stand her in reality. And she might have to let go of who she loves someday.

She knows, that in the end nobody in their right mind would stand her in good and bad altogether. 

Really, I appreciate that he sang :)

When I read again what I wrote, it seemed like I was laughing at him. But no, I wasn’t. That wasn’t what I meant. Perhaps I was still so hyper at that time that my words were more like excitement. I was actually trying to tell that I was happy, so, so, so, happy. Perhaps my words were wrong, but I was happy and excited and I deeply appreciate his efforts to make me happy :) And he’s cool. Really cool. :) And I appreciate his effort a lot. :)

Al-Falaq, 113:1-5

In the name of Allah, Most Gracious, Most Merciful.

Say, “I seek refuge in the Lord of daybreak

From the evil of that which He created

And from the evil of darkness when it settles

And from the evil of the blowers in knots

And from the evil of an envier when he envies.”

In the name of Allah, I seek refuge from the disbelievers. O Allah, I ask for You, my Creator, to heal me and relieve me of pain and misery caused by the disbelievers, and protect me from their evil deeds. Allahumma ameen.