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apasusah:

Okay? Okay? I’m not okay. Know what’s not okay? I freaking miss you, you not-Chuck-Bass-handsome not-multi-language not-sensitive not-gentleman not-everything bamboo-eating animal. And I hate this feeling. I hate you, I hate your voice, I hate your texts, I hate missing you, I hate everything about you. I hate, hate, hate. 

I’m a Muslim.

How do you think I fight that damn feeling?

It’s not like in Korean dramas where I can get all sappy and run to your house or some crazy things like that. 

I thought I came back to my senses. I thought I sorted out that feelings issue and just treasure our friendship. I have no idea why it came back and I have no idea how to not think about you. Why am I not returning your texts? Because I don’t want to think about you, you urgh urgh urgh. It’s none of your fault but somehow I really feel like cursing you. I really feel like punching and kicking you for existing. 

Tahu?

Rasa sliced gila babas. Rasa macam daging, ikan, sayur kena slice. 

Rasa betrayed. Entah. Mungkin bukan. Something else yang similar, perhaps.

Rasa macam all these whiles sikit punya kamceng ni semua pasal encik nak tebus rasa bersalah ke? Sebab tu? 

Rasa macam penat. Penat sebab punyalah kaw-kaw puan simbah hati dengan clorox bagi samak all those memories while we were younger. Punyalah kaw-kaw sental ingatan bagi hilang semua benda yang encik cakap time encik tengah tak betul. Benda yang puan sendiri rasa encik tak ingat dan tak perlulah encik ingat. Punyalah kaw-kaw puan sumbat hati ni dengan Quran campur rock campur grunge campur punk time tengah ayan just to let go of my feelings.

Rasa macam encik yang kejam dulu in the first place. No, actually encik ego. Encik ada wall yang sangat tinggi dan kebal. This is not a jiwang karat novel. You ain’t the hero and I ain’t the heroine. Ingat kalau puan tahu dengan cara yang unexpected dan surprising macam tu, puan nak mengalirkan air mata terharu ke? Nope. This ain’t a jiwang karat novel. I’m hurt. I feel sakit hati. All my efforts were for what? 

I lived everyday for that eleven months thinking we’re nothing but ashes.

I live now, thinking everyday that we’re nothing but best friends. No, I don’t want more from you - don’t get me wrong. I live everyday dengan rasa, good, hari ni aku berjaya padam sikit lagi, sikit lagi whatever feelings I have for him.

And efforts tu untuk apa?

For somebody who loves me back when I don’t know it?

For somebody who builds walls and guards his feelings like an android?

For somebody who knows I work damn hard with that crazy Law course so I can get a scholarship and go damn far away to forget him, and still act like he knows nothing?

You won’t understand me. And I won’t understand you, too. 

But I can’t undo this sakit hati, and your silence just completes the package.

You are unfeeling because what they do to you two years ago.

But I am evil because what you did to me three years ago.

And I’m not sorry I said what I’m not supposed to say.

Suddenly I feel deserving to be kejam lagi keji.

Explain what you must, but never give away all of your secrets. Those who freely publicize the secrets of their hearts drag themselves and their nation toward an inevitable downfall.

-Fethullah Gullen-

Betul. Tak tipu. Rasa macam bersalah gila. Rasa macam tak guna. Rasa macam… macam… 

I’m not anybody, not anyone, but still.

Things I did before I September 2010, they keep on haunting me even long after I’ve walked away.

Sorry; it can’t change things, sorry can’t undo the hurt I’ve caused.

Just because I was heartbroken didn’t give me the license to go around breaking hearts in turn. 

Sorry; it won’t make me a better person.

Just because I’ve changed doesn’t mean they can let go. 

Sorry; it won’t atone what I’ve done. 

:’(

Lapanglah, hati. Tenanglah bagai air di kali. 

Terasa sebak gadis berhijab itu, tatkala wanita berwajah redup itu memegang dadanya dan menggosok-gosok menyenangkan. Mendoakan agar gadis itu berhati tenang. Lapang. Redha.

Yamhullahu ma yasha’, dan Allah hapuskan belenggu kalbumu.

Lapanglah, hati. Tenanglah bagai air di kali. 

Hikmah walangmu, hikmah mata berkacamu, hikmah payahmu dan jerihmu, bukankah aturan Allah itu tak pernah melebihi apa yang mampu ditanggung? 

Kerana jalan inilah, kau jauh. Jauh dari tersimpang dan tersesat dan tiada arah kembali. Kau pernah hampir, selangkah kurang dari simpang. Kau hampir, dan jalan inilah yang menarikmu kembali dari terus menapak di garisan sempadan. 

Kerana jalan inilah, kau dekat. Dekat dengan mushaf itu. Mushaf yang kau sayang dan kau tinggal dan kau sayang kembali dan kau tinggal kembali, dan di penghujung permainanmu kau putuskan, hatimu mati tanpanya. Kau putuskan kau sayang dan kau mahu sayang dan kau mahu terus dan makin.

Kerana jalan ini, kau membesar. Kau belajar. Kau lain. Kau berbeza. Kau kuat.

Kau tua dengan pengalaman, bila teman-temanmu masih merangkak belum mampu berjalan. 

Lapanglah, hati. Tenanglah bagai air di kali. 

Ini, nukilan dari Tuhanmu. Khas dari Penciptamu, Pemilikmu. Ditinta di Lauh Mahfuz dan dititipkan dalam rohmu, dan lupakah ikrar redha taat setiamu dulu?

Lahirmu sebagai hamba. Lahirmu sebagai khalifah. Lahirmu punya liku dan lara, teranyam bersama senyum dan tawa. Kau redha lahirmu, takdirmu berkuasakan ketentuanNya.

Di Lauh Mahfuz. Kitabim Maknun. Kitabim Mubin. Bukankah kau redha, saat kau masih di sana?

Maka lapanglah, hati. Tenanglah bagai air di kali. 

Bila kawan-kawan bertanya, cuti ni kau buat apa?, aku akan jawab dengan jawapan standard, aku jadi bibik, supir, chef. Diorang tanya lagi, kau masak apa? Aku dengan selambanya senaraikan je la apa yang aku tahu masak, apa yang aku berjaya masak, apa yang aku plan nak masak. 

Diorang komen, mak aih, kau semangat nak kawen ke apa ni?

Kalau sekali dua orang komen macam tu, bolehlah aku gelak-gelak. Bila dah masuk belas kali, jadi annoying. Aku cakap, perlu ke pasal tu? Aku masak sebab aku tak nak makan benda sama hari-hari, sebab aku boring, sebab bila mak aku balik kerja, adik aku balik sekolah, ada something bawah tudung saji. Tak payah beli, tak payah diorang masak. Aku ada, aku boleh masakkan, boleh bagi diorang happy dan kenyang. 

Dan for some reason, always akan ada joke pasal marriage and whatsoever, aimed kat manusia ni. 

Aku tak suka dengar joke macam tu, serius. Aku tak nak la sentuh bab kita ni muda hingusan tak matang lagi, bab iman amal takwa, bab toleransi, bab give-and-take, bab responsibility segala bagai. Yang tu nanti aku cover bila-bila aku rasa macam nak buat discussion pasal tu. 

Sekarang, bagi aku cakap reason yang paling utama kenapa I hate such jokes and suggestion about marriages: I don’t think it will happen to me.

Sebab dia senang je.

Orang boleh suka aku, boleh tolerate aku, sebab diorang cuma tengok the bright side of me. Once diorang tengok the tak-berapa-bright side of me, agak-agak the adoration, the toleration, the respect still akan ada ke?

Aika intelligent. Aika boleh bercakap in public sesedap rasa. Aika suka senyum. Aika terer English. Aika ada outlook yang praiseworthy. Aika itu, Aika ini. 

Tapi orang tahu tak, Aika depressed? Aika ada lifelong battle dengan negativity. Aika senyum sebab Aika cuba jadi positif seboleh mungkin, cuba jadi likeable seboleh mungkin, cuba sedekah seboleh mungkin. Aika cries when she’s alone because she can’t stand her own self. Aika pemarah, Aika hot-tempered tahap petala ketujuh darab enam belas kuasa sembilan puluh lima. 

Dan Aika tak selalu hyper, tak selalu sihat.

Dan orang tak pernah tengok the side of Aika yang battle dengan aspek ni. 

Orang tak pernah tengok Aika lifeless, tak ada energy sebab tahan sakit. Orang tak pernah tengok Aika tak boleh lelap sampai pukul 4-5 pagi just because she’s dealing with what other people don’t have to deal with. Orang tak pernah tengok Aika menggeletar sampai kena inject painkiller. Bukan telan painkiller lagi dah. Orang tak pernah tengok Aika melutut dalam toilet tahan sakit helpless sorang-sorang. Orang tak pernah tengok Aika jawab soalan exam sambil air mata jatuh sampai kertas jawapan habis basah sebab Aika kena tahan, tahan, tahan sampai exam habis. Dan orang tak pernah tengok Aika, the so-called lemah-lembut Aika, baling barang hempas pintu kurang ajar bila Aika tak sihat. Orang tak pernah tahu Aika sampai pergi bersujud berdoa depan Kaabah as a last resort sebab tak tau nak buat macam mana dah nak bagi okay. 

Orang tengok Aika normal, happy-go-lucky, sebab orang tak kenal Aika.

Orang tak faham, sebab Aika tight-lipped nak explain. 

Orang tak faham, sebab Aika tak boleh explain.

Orang tak faham, sebab orang tak akan percaya.

Orang tak faham, sebab contrary gila. Minah tu gila nak masuk martial arts banyak-banyak la travel la apa la, sekali macam ni? Liar. 

Dan orang tengok Aika sebagai seorang yang awesome, konon-kononnya, sebab orang tak pernah tahu Aika from both sides.

Dan who can stand Aika 24 jam macam tu?

Dan who can stand Aika hari-hari, for the rest of their lives macam tu?

Would I be someone loveable only on the days that I’m well, bright and hyper, dan jadi someone yang tak boleh nak tolerate on the days I’m miserable?

Orang boleh cakap macam-macam benda positif bagi motivation, sebab Aika jarakkan diri Aika dengan diorang. Diorang hidup dengan Aika yang nakal, hyper, gila-gila, tapi diorang tak pernah hidup dengan Aika yang menyampahkan.

So in short, I’m not someone yang people would be alright being with 24/7.

I’m not someone that normal people would want to marry someday. Not now, not later. 

Jadi tolong jangan usik Aika dengan jokes macam tu, sebab Aika hates it, sebab Aika knows better she’s better off alone in the end. 

Even if her heart would hurt someday. Because the one who might love her might not stand her in reality. And she might have to let go of who she loves someday.

She knows, that in the end nobody in their right mind would stand her in good and bad altogether. 

When I read again what I wrote, it seemed like I was laughing at him. But no, I wasn’t. That wasn’t what I meant. Perhaps I was still so hyper at that time that my words were more like excitement. I was actually trying to tell that I was happy, so, so, so, happy. Perhaps my words were wrong, but I was happy and excited and I deeply appreciate his efforts to make me happy :) And he’s cool. Really cool. :) And I appreciate his effort a lot. :)

In the name of Allah, Most Gracious, Most Merciful.

Say, “I seek refuge in the Lord of daybreak

From the evil of that which He created

And from the evil of darkness when it settles

And from the evil of the blowers in knots

And from the evil of an envier when he envies.”

In the name of Allah, I seek refuge from the disbelievers. O Allah, I ask for You, my Creator, to heal me and relieve me of pain and misery caused by the disbelievers, and protect me from their evil deeds. Allahumma ameen.

My motto has always been this: better regret doing than regret not doing. True, I don’t like suppressing my thoughts and wants. I’m not really an uptight, bottled up person. I want what I want, and I fight for it if I think it does good to me. I don’t go to the extent that I quarrel with my parents or throw tantrums, just enough that if they forbid me from doing something, I’d have a talk with them and make them see the pros and cons, try to make them understand why I want something, try to persuade. I live freely as much as I want, as much as I could within limits set by my parents and society and my religion. I’m curious, adventurous to some point and I get my supply of adrenaline rush from taking risks. I hold the view that every opportunity is golden and only shows up once, so I should strike while the iron is hot. Carpe diem, I say, and so far I’m thankful for the things I’d done - wise and absurd alike. Whatever they were, those experiences I chose to take and do made me learn, made me grow, made me human.

But when it comes to this matter…

The more I do, the more I regret. The more I do, the more I feel bitter. The more inhuman I become. The more beastly I get. A monster, a self-violating phantom. To the point that it’s not the world that stops me from being brilliant and successful and pious, it’s me, it’s my own self. The side of me that I see taunting me from the other side of the mirror. 

For this aspect of my life, I honestly regret doing rather than not.

Hambek kau. Sums up my agony. *Takde keje layan grunge? Thot dah buang segala lagu tu kat mp3. Sekali layan kat Youtube. Ceh.*

The difference satu je, no one’s gonna save me but myself. 

No one but the opressed and depressed positive side of me. 

If I don’t try to resurface, if I don’t try swim towards the surface of water, towards the shore, I won’t get out from this chasm, this abyss of nothingness. 

Run, Aika, run.

Swim, Aika, swim.

Towards the air where you can breathe.

Do anything, everything it takes to get out of this.

Not thinking, not living to escape reality.

Baking and cooking at ungodly hours in order to not think, not live normally in order to escape reality.

Escapism upon escapism.  

(Yunus, 10:107)

Or in this context,

Who else can make the horrendous Grim Reaper vanish but Allah.

Get up, girl.

Don’t let it flay and eat you alive.

Enough sleeping pills, enough escapism, enough with the you-ain’t-living crap. 

There’s a Quran Tafseer in your drawer, and sajadah in your wardrobe.

Get up and fight the demon. 

Sepertinya, Grim Reaper khayalanku kembali menyoroti langkah fikiran. Tidak pernah puas hati yang aku memilih untuk mengurungnya. Menguncinya dalam sudut fikiran paling dalam. Memasung menyula dan menyeksa segenap rongganya agar dia takkan pernah dapat kembali.

Tetapi kebal, dia.

Dan dendamnya dikalahkan positivity, dikalahkan dengan senyuman bak mentari dan kelapangan dada setenang air di kali - dendamnya menarik aku mampir ke dunianya. Buat kesekian kali. Menyedut aku ke dalam lubuk puaka berpapan tandakan negativity. 

Welcome back, kata mimpi ngeriku. 

Terasa berada di awang-awangan. Angkasa, mungkin. Lohong hitam, atau. Siapa tahu? Hanyut terbuai di ruang vakum tanpa arah, tanpa cahaya, tanpa bunyi, tanpa tahu punca dan destinasi.

Hanya gelap. Gelita. Sunyi. Sepi.

Kosong.

Tak terasa seperti hidup.

Bernafas, berdenyut di jantung, berdarah di pembuluh dan berfungsi di sistem,

tetapi kosong.

Biar aku pejam dan pejam dan pejam. Sekali terjaga, sepuluh kali kupejamkan.

Biar mereka tidak mengerti, biar bisikan dan perkataan terbuai lemah dan berakhir berlalu bak angin mendesir. Biar aku yang memahami. 

Tak terasa hidup, tidak hidup dan tidak mahu hidup.

“…살다가 한번쯤은 마주치기를

난 아직도 그곳에 살아

어디서 그 어디서 무얼 하든지

건강하게 행복하게 살아…”

When it’s supposed to be recited day in and day out.

What happened to thankfulness and pledge of obedience and glorifying your Creator?

When you find the answer, take the Mathurat out, read it again. 

*nak jugak buat perangai degil keras kepala stubborn kepala batu*

*pedulik*

*yes i’m a chicken. don’t care don’t mind.*

*locks self in room*

late 2011.

he watched me from far with burning eyes.

accusing in his stare.

unforgiving in his glare.

Sebelum masuk oven.

Selepas keluar oven dan terbabas masuk mulut dengan sengaja. 

Heehee sedap~ :D

Babai! =D

Hello! =D

Although my hair looks lovelier (yelah sangat) when it’s long and wargh sayang nak cakap bye-bye to all the waves and locks, terasa sangat free bila pendek wuhuuuu~ XD 

Begone, old and rotten memories. Go far, far away with the hair I’ve cut. Don’t bother my head anymore~

Looks like I’m gonna be extra chirpy for awhile. X3

Yeah! 

It took me awhile to revive my spirit, but I made it :) I woke up to another day of feel-good body and feel-good vibe :) It’s been interesting. It rained this morning, heavy for a while before it softened to just drizzles. Didn’t stop me from going out. Hoho. I went to a local wet market first thing in the morning. I usually get my stock of barang basah from the supermarket but since mum told me I should eat pomegranates to help with my health, to the market off I went. They don’t sell pomegranates at the supermarket~ 

Anyways, just when I had my hands full of herbs and veges and prawns and whatnot and headed back to my car, I saw this grandpa berniaga dekat pintu depan wet market tu. From far I couldn’t see the goods he was selling (rabun kan haha!), tapi entah la somehow melihat wajah tua nan sayu itu gigih berusaha mencari rezeki meruntun hatiku! I really have a soft spot for the elderly………………… which explained why I bought unnecessary items from him. Entah, terasa macam - macam kalau dapat tolong contribute kepada income dia, rasa happy sangat-sangat. Rasa macam happy, best, ceria, riang, gembira - dapat senyum kat orang tua tu, dapat ceriakan hari dia - I’d feel happy too in return.

Mungkin, sem break ni aku try jadi volunteer kat rumah orang tua kot. Harap-harap cepatlah sembuhnya! 

Oh, so I bought la roselles and curry leaves from him. Tak banyak pun, adalah sepuluh bunga kecik je. Tapi cukup la nak buat syrup dan buat jem adalah dalam satu gelas. :D Yang bestnya, ada sorang grandma ni tanya aku macam mana nak handle benda alah roselle ni? Dan aku jadi cikgu tak bertauliah kejap la tengah-tengah alam tu… Serius lawak. Hehehe XD Balik rumah terus~ proses mende alah tu, boil, blend, etc etc. Weehee :D Sedap :D

The rain had just ceased pouring when I went out for a walk, fifteen minutes to nine a.m. I really love how the earth smelled and looked like after the rain :) Encik matahari was still shy and his rays were friendly, with fluffy clouds dancing around him. Soft breeze kissed my face once in a while, and I walked touring my housing area content with just those. Sun. Wind. After-rain smell. Some kind of serenity you can’t get from big cities. (This sentence is for you, Idy senior. :p)

I thought, since I felt so very healthy and chirpy and positivity-overloaded, I should do some sweating out. And so I mowed the lawn. Or rather, mowed lalang and pegaga liar yang dah jadi macam space alien invading my lawn. Perhaps rather than mow them, I should’ve signed a business deal with HPA instead. I cleared the whole lawn, wuhuhhuuu terasa berguna sungguh!

However.

It was a bad move.

Read More →

Today I woke up feeling healthy and a hundred times better than yesterday! Yay! :D :D :D Thought I should go shopping for groceries today :D I’ve been wanting to try out new recipes just because I’m in kitchen-oriented mood and I have too much free time at hand. According to original plan, my super-long break is supposed to be filled with religious talks, Quran classes and martial arts classes, but it’s okay, these could wait :) I don’t plan to take sewing classes tho, though my mum has been poisoning my mind with the benefits of owning such skill. But who knows - perhaps I’d change my mind? Hoho.

Teringat Im cakap dulu: 

Im: Blaja la masak. Nanti dah ada family kau nak bagi diorang makan apa? Takkan makan luar je kot.

Me: Seriously, who wants to marry me? I doubt anyone can handle my attitude. Plus aku kena bagi healthy betul-betul dulu apa-apa pun, aku ni illness-prone je memanjang. Hoho. Tarak tarak nobody would want to marry me, takyah blaja masak. 

Im: …………..banyak cakap, blaja je laaaaah.

Me: …………banyak cakap, habis kau tau masak apa?

Im: Sardin.

WAHAHAHAHHHA~ SURUH ORANG BLAJA SENDIRI PUN DUA KALI LIMA~

Ehem. Tapi tu dulu.

Sekarang aku dan dia sama-sama sedang menuju ke arah menjadi wanita sejati. Boleh jadi skill memasak aku lebih terer dari dia muahahah XD

Anyways, I thought minggu ni I should try these:

• Butter Prawn 
• Two-Cheese Sandwich (senang je tapi nak kena beli Gouda cheese)
• Pear/Apple and Cinnamon Popovers (macam comel je tengok the buns ‘membesar’ XD)
• Oreo and Yoghurt Baby Cheesecake
• Vietnamese Spring Rolls
• Apple Upside-Down Biscuit Cake
• Scottish Shortbread
• Blueberry Crumble Muffins
• Spicy Chicken with Cashew
• Beef and Cream Cheese Lasagna (yang tak jadi but Sabtu lepas sebab mogok hahah)
• Lemon and Rosemary Grilled Chicken

Oh, and I want to try masak lemak pucuk paku macam yang Atuk cakap tu. I know how to make pucuk manis je - the usual kuah warna putih, letak keledek apa semua tu. Pucuk paku tak pernah la lagi buat. But I know the colour is yellowish sebab ada kunyit, tu je. And of course no keledek. For some unknown reason terasa macam nak kena buat je……………….

Anyhow, I should make use of what’s in the fridge for lunch before I go out and buy groceries nak buat segala benda kat list atas tu. There’s bawal thawed in the sink, I’m debating whether to make bawal kukus or bawal sweet and sour. And I should cook some sayur too^^

Enough rambling. Pegi masak la~

Last night, I dreamed I was in severe pain… (Perhaps I was indeed in pain, and it was manifested into a dream.)

And this evening… the blood… the bleeding…

Seriously creeps me out.

:’((

Saya boleh memilih untuk bersangka buruk dan prejudis dan berjauh hati dan negatif, negatif, negatif. (In fact saya pernah hidup begitu, terlalu lama).

Tetapi untuk apa saya mendera diri sendiri?

Ending bagaimana yang saya mahu untuk diri saya?

Jadi saya memilih untuk cuba bersyukur, bersabar, berlapang dada. Positif, positif, positif. 

Positivity attracts positivity in return.

Dan saya mahu serahkan semua pada Allah. 

Saya mahu redha.

Saya mahu bersangka baik.

Saya mahu percaya yang Allah tidak akan pernah membiarkan saya sedih.

Saya mahu percaya yang Allah mendengar doa saya, menerima doa saya, dan mengatur yang terbaik untuk saya. 

Saya mahu percaya, dan tersenyum dengan aturanNya.

Pneumonia.

Little me hated the yellow antibiotics.

Just seeing it made me cringe inside. It was huge and pungent-smelling and there’s no way in the world I’d swallow it. Sometimes mum broke the pills into two, sometimes she crushed and mixed them with Milo just so they could get in my system. Sometimes I threw tantrums, really creepy tantrums, not willing to gulp those. Sometimes mum threw threats: if I don’t eat em, I’d be warded. Hambik kau terus makan lol.

A sick child was already difficult to handle, but a whiny, stubborn sick child was beyond insufferable. Twice I got infected, twice mum had to bear with my antics.

Heehee.

Degil.

Know what’s funny?

The grown up me still hates it with a remarkable yuck. 

Takmau takmau takmau.

Some things never change, eh?

;)

iloveyouforthesakeofallah:

You will have your highscore eventually insha’Allah